Rubber Ducky, You’re The One

July 8, 2006 at 3:47 PM | Food, Random, Site/Personal | 2 Comments

The Green DuckAll I could think about was getting a head of lettuce. The salad that I would make with it would be amazing. I’d cut some mushroom slices in it, some carrots, tomatoes, banana pepper slices, sprinkle a little shredded cheese on it, shake some coarse-ground black pepper in it. Some of that zesty Italian dressing. Amazing.

It was a different story when I got to Wal-Mart, though. I went straight to the vegetable section, looking for the lettuce. I walked up and down that aisle maybe 2, maybe 3 times. Where was it? They’d been known to move stuff around their vegetable aisle before, so I suspected something similar had happened here. But it was simply nowhere to be found. I finally gave up and got ahold of the nearest Wal-Mart employee.

“Um… excuse me, this may sound a little strange, but I can’t seem to be able to find the lettuce. I mean, am I missing something here, where’s the lettuce at?”

“We’re out of lettuce.”

“Ooooh good, because I thought that I might’ve been going crazy. Thanks.” And I stepped away.

I wasn’t the one going crazy–it was Wal-Mart that was going crazy. Wal-Mart, the biggest retailer in the world, was out of lettuce. Who lets their store run out of a staple food item like lettuce just run out? It’s so ridiculous, I’m not even going to try to come up with anything to compare it with. Oh wait, something just came to mind. It’s like that time I went to Chipotle and they were out of rice. Oh yeah, you’d better believe it. It’s like that, only about 10 times worse.

The one item that I really wanted to buy was out. This caught me so off guard that I wasn’t able to finish my grocery shopping with any sort of focus. I had no idea what I was going to buy or what to make with the things that I would buy. I just bought a bunch of random things. Things that I never buy.

Like I threw this stalk of celery into the cart. I don’t even like celery. And then I picked up a cheap bottle of hot sauce that claimed on the bottle that it was “muy salsa.” I asked Albert (who’d taken Spanish for the better part of his life) what that meant, since I was under the impression that salsa was a noun. He didn’t know. “Eh, whatever,” and I put it in the cart. I bought a can of chickpeas. I don’t even know what chickpeas are… I just seen Rachael Ray using them to make some kind of a stuffed cucumber one time and it looked like a lot of fun.

At some point, I came across this green rubber duck sitting on top of some boxes near the juice section. I put it in the cart because it was all cute and abandoned looking, clearly in a place that it did not belong. Just how did it get there? I imagined a small girl, riding in a shopping cart, somehow snagging this duck off of a shelf while her parents were looking at something else. It wasn’t until this child’s oblivious parents were near the juice section, all the way across the store, that they realized that little Suzy had possession of a green rubber duck, at which point the duck was promptly ripped from her grasp and placed atop of some random boxes. Little Suzy cried and cried. And now I had the very same duck riding around in my cart.

And then I went back by the produce aisle to pick up some kind of a lettuce substitute. I was determined to have that salad one way or another. This is when I came across some packages of “green leaf lettuce.” At this stage in my life, I’ve really only dealt with iceberg lettuce, so I was a little skeptical at first, but I bought one anyway. But now that I’ve had it, I don’t think I can go back. Iceberg still has its uses, though.

And I bought some unlabeled peppers from the produce shelves. It’s always a gamble buying produce that is “obscure” enough to be unlabeled. Now, I knew that I was buying banana peppers and serrano peppers, but more often than not, the people working the registers are clueless. They rang both of them up as jalapeños. I was thinking “yesssssss” because jalapeños are about a dollar cheaper per pound. Suckers.

Also, I thought the green duck was kind of a gamble too. I had no idea how much it was going to cost or if it was even in the system. I was really hoping that when they ran the duck’s UPC across their scanner that there would be some kind of a negative-sounding sound and an error message on the display. And then they’d be like “whoa this isn’t even in our system… here just take it.” And then the moment of truth came… the cashier picked up the duck, waved it over the scanner and the standard “booop” came out and 1 “Infant Toy” was instantly added to my bill. It was 97 cents.

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  1. I am the god of salad and trust me, you can make a salad out of ANYTHING. All it requires is a vegetable, preferably chilled, and a dressing. Take that can of chickpea, for example, and toss with your standard fare italian dressing and BAM! You got yourself a chickpea salad. You can make other things out of chickpeas, but we shall save that lesson for another day.

    Comment by LL — July 11, 2006 #

  2. this is my new favorite quote

    Comment by al — July 18, 2006 #

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